Starting on Hard Mode.

So, this has been the week of A Senate guy running in Missouri saying things about rape that are wrong, and The American Family Association backing him up on the wrong, and him making an apology that didn't make it better.

So I says to myself, I says, "Kainenchen, this is it. Can you talk about this without losing your shit, and going off the deep end of explosion and the like?"

So, here I am, and we're going to talk about it, and yes.

There's a lot here to talk about, you see. The misconceptions and what exactly is wrong with what Akin said, why he said it, the greater issues of rape, and the greater issues of abortion. Let's start with rape, in the interest of Silence is Not So Good, and rape being one of those things where silence is still again (though less than it was), the status quo.

I knew that when Todd Akin said, "legitimate rape", he was referring to violent, forcible rape. I do not know the specific image in his head, but I can guess, and I know what image this evokes in the part of my brain what is tapped into the conventional wisdom. Rape by a stranger. by a degenerate in a back-alley or a skeever in a bar after a girl's had a few too many. The kind that dominates the popular idea of rape, but is actually fairly rare.

And you know what? I know at least two people, personally, who got pregnant from exactly that kind of rape.

As for the rest of the kinds of rape out there... Here, have some statistics from RAINN.

I know a lot of people who have been sexually assaulted or raped. As do you. The number for women is 1 in 6. Fortunately, the numbers of people being raped have dropped dramatically since 1993. Awareness is a Thing. Talking about it is important. So that you who have been raped/assaulted know you're not alone, and those of you who think you don't know anyone who has know that well... you haven't been told about it.

And the same thing, frankly, about abortion.

On abortion, I'll step away from statistics a moment, because I don't actually want to talk about the facts about who, in abstract, has them, who doesn't, and why. I want to talk about me, and about belief. Specifically, things one believes about oneself. Like "I would never, ever, for any reason have an abortion."

Which is something I believed about myself, up until the moment I didn't any more.

To spoil the ending, I didn't get pregnant the time in question, so I didn't have to make the choice. But you see, the sex that made me worry about this was not sex I had wanted to have. The only thing that stopped the sex in question from being rape was a final, last minute "Okay" that came out of my mouth because I didn't want my friend, who was doing this to me, who was not hearing that I didn't want to do this, to be a rapist, and I didn't have the wherewithal to fight him or get angry. So I put up with it, and when it was over, he left, not realising why I was upset.

(Something to remember, folks: Trust is very, very delicate. If someone betrays what they want to give into you, you may have won your way this once, but there's a very good chance you've lost something much more important. I will never trust this particular person again, even if we still, on the surface, remain friends.)

The circumstances surrounding what happened, however, were insignificant next to the circumstances of his life and mine at the time. So when I missed the first period after this, I about panicked. If I were pregnant, this would be devastating to way, way too many people, and I would not be in any condition to raise it, besides. And at that point, I knew that if I _were_ pregnant, in this circumstance, I would have the abortion. I couldn't ever give up a child for adoption... carrying a child to term would be a commitment to raise it, for me. But I couldn't have it, not like this. And the realization made me incredibly sick. But.

The lesson here, as I learned it during the couple of weeks before my period finally came, is that you don't know what deeply held beliefs and values you will sacrifice when and until you are faced with the decision. Yes, there's always the, "I hope you never will be!" and that's important, and I am not saying that you can't speak to things you haven't experienced. But please be careful, when passing judgement on something like abortion, or what you'd do if someone tried to rape you, or whether you'd leave an abusive relationship/family situation, that you don't make speculations that diminish the experiences of those who actually have gone through these things, and did not make the choice that you- let's face it- hope you would make. And frankly, the people I know who did make the choice to keep a child, who fought off the rapist and stopped them, who called the police, who left their abuser- those aren't the people I've seen judging their opposite numbers.

And this is the thing that I would like Todd Akin to understand, when he talks about punishing the rapists instead of the unintended children of rape. It isn't that easy (I am not here getting into the difficulties of rape prosecution, though they're manifold), nor that cut and dried. Even when it is rape, there's no talking here about the punishment of the women who have abortions: that they inflict on themselves, for making the decision, that they get from abortion advocates who are terrified that a woman who regrets it (or doesn't regret it, but is still broken up and upset) will look bad politically, from anti-abortion activists who now believe that the woman in question is an evil murderer, whatever her circumstances. And that's a silence that isn't cool. People need support, and to know that there are resources there for them, and my personal feeling on it is that a woman who has chosen to have an abortion has done the right thing, because actually going through with it, as I know from many women who have, is not easy. If you do it, it is because having it- or in some cases, anyone knowing that you were pregnant at the time- needed to not happen. Right then. In that instance. With no judgement on what happens in the future.

There are a lot of stories like mine, a number of which end in making the hard choice one way or another, and a number of which I know, but they're not mine to tell here. And there's a lot of documentation of women, even, who are violently opposed to abortion, even as they're on the table, even after the fact. Doublethink is a real thing, as is, "my situation is different" syndrome.

As we have these conversations, especially lawmakers who seem to have, for various reasons, to make legal decisions about medical and personal things, I sincerely hope we can keep these things in mind.